Why I Need to Quit Drinking

The shame

The cost to health and wallet

The blackouts

The depression

The FEAR

The total inability to drink in moderation

The utter shite I talk when I'm wasted

I started drinking regularly when I was 17/18 and have done it constantly since then (except maybe for a couple of years when I preferred to take a smoke). I've always just assumed that it makes a night out better, that it makes me more comfortable, that wine makes the meal, that gigs need beers.

But I've nothing to compare it against, how do I know what life is like without alcohol? I was a fucking tit when I was 18 so any life decisions I made around then must be viewed with serious scepticism.

I wrote that list on Feb 8th 2013 but I just wasn't ready to quit. I feel ready now. I'm still reticent to tell people I've stopped drinking and the furthest I've committed too is June (when I do the Edinburgh Marathon and Tough Mudder) but in my head (and my heart) I've already had my last drink.

I'm on my 20th day sober and so far have avoided any real challenges. I was out with some friends for a burger on Friday and initially 4 beers were ordered but I was happy with a bottle of the house water. Later there was a spare beer but I didn't feel at all urged to take it. Saturday night I was at a gig and had to hold my friends beer while she went to the bar for more. It was an ice cold can of Red Stripe, normally a staple gig swig but there was no desire (or indeed point) to have a mouthful.

The real challenges will come eventually; some good news to celebrate or bad news to commiserate but I am bang up for it. I felt a huge relief and joy when I quit smoking last year and the same feeling is welling up for quitting alcohol too.

Happiness and Karma

I was walking up Buchanan Street (in Glasgow, my home) today and from a distance I saw a guy begging. I've seen him there before and he's one of those beggars who smiles and says God Bless to the people who walk past while they pretend he's not there. He looks about my age and actually looks happier than the people scurrying around him with their shopping.

Buchanan Street is an incredibly busy shopping area, all about brand presence and people with bags of expensive new objects. It's one of those cathedrals to capitalism and consumerism that have become the embodiment of our aspirational culture.

Which is fine if you like that sort of thing but it grates with me that we're still being sold this dream while so many in our society have fuck all. The old rich/poor gap is getting wider and it's conveniently summed up in a guy begging on Buchanan Street.

I'd already decided today that I'd help someone out, do someone a solid, if and when the opportunity presented itself. For no reason other than I am extremely lucky to have what I have and felt like passing it on.

I approached the guy and crouched with him, said; "sorry I don't have any change but can I get you a coffee or something?", he said he'd love a hot chocolate from the bakery he was sitting near, (the bakery was that UK chain bakery we all know, cheap and shit). I asked if he'd prefer one from the fancier mega-corp hippy coffee chain that was 100yds down the road; after a moments thought he said he would prefer that. I offered him a bacon buttie too, which no-one in their right mind would refuse.

So I got the hot chocolate and bacon buttie, delivered it (he briefly tried to ask me for change before he remembered our meeting and agreement from five minutes ago) and crouched with him for a few minutes, said I hoped things picked up for him soon and Robert told me about his plan to move into some accommodation and take the small steps to getting back on his feet to tread the glorious path to bags of Buchanan Street booty. He said he was trying to keep off the drink, I mentioned that I stopped drinking at new year but then realised how absurd it was to try and compare our battles with booze and moved the chat back to him.

I became conscious that his buttie and drink were getting cold in the freezing Glasgow air and said goodbye. I headed on up the street with a decent feeling in my heart; I'd done someone that favour and I briefly pondered if karma would repay me.

I decided I wanted a coffee after all the goodwilling I'd been doing and cut into another chain (who make better drinks than the aforementioned hippies) and made my order. I must have been giving off a self-righteous glow because the (very attractive) barista asked, "What are you so smiley about?", I just said I was generally like that (I am) and why not? She was the same type and we had a brief conversation about happiness and having a positive outlook on life, she put my coffee on the counter and said, "that's on the house."

And that's how karma works, so be nice to someone today.

A year in review

I mentioned briefly that I had to learn a guitar tune before the end of last year but I didn't get round to it. I had a go but didn't even master one chord (d). 

I'm going to stick at it but I'm prepared to accept that I'm shit at music. Six months. If I can't play a tune that encourages woman to remove their clothes by then, I'll pack it in.

Other than that I had a decent run last year, I did almost all the things I set out to, including;

Giving blood
Growing a beard
Climbing a Munro 
Visit mainland europe alone
Stopped smoking
Passed some industry exams
Ran a 10K
Got slimmer
Spent a month off the drink
Got a promotion and pay rise
Went on a random adventure with an Australian girl
Moved to a better flat
Saw some amazing artists (The Boss, Arcade Fire, Edward Sharpe)
Saw some amazing art in London and Milan

I didn't manage to;

Get a tattoo
Save a shit load of money
Learn to touch type

Writing that list reminded me of what an amazing year it's been, possibly the best ever. I started 2013 miserable after a good relationship went bad but I ended it feeling better than I can ever remember feeling.

Taking a booze break

Probably along with a million other people, granted, but I'm more serious at it than them. I stayed pretty sober on Hogmanay and indeed spilled the single bottle of beer I saved to drink (on my own) after the bells. So that's given me at least a one day head start on all the other dry-outs but more like four days judging by the amount of people having one last tear-up on the 4th.

I stayed off the booze for a couple of weeks in one stretch last year and for a month in total, bar one or two glasses of wine or a fly beer. I'm saying that like it's an accomplishment when it's actually pretty damning.

I've been mulling the idea for a while (I have an Evernote titled "Why I need to Stop Drinking" dated 5th Feb 2013) but now appears to be the time to go ahead with it. It feels right.

I'm not daunted at this point because over the last year I've made a few other lifestyle changes that seemed hard work at first but very quickly became the new normal and very rewarding. I stopped smoking in July and took up running shortly thereafter. Both have provided an immeasurable fillip to my physical and mental health and stopping alcohol will only provide a further boost. I am going to be insufferably chirpy.

Drinking is expensive and I don't really have any spare money. I earn a good wage and live a nice standard of life but I'm financially irresponsible so there's nothing to fall back on. If I lose my job I'm homeless tomorrow. This is possibly the biggest insecurity in my life. Not having to buy booze will mean it's easy for me to fix this.

Alcohol destroys my fitness, even in small quantities. I'm quite serious about the running and it's incredible how poorly I perform after drinking. I've entered the Edinburgh Marathon on the 25th May (and the Inverness Half Marathon on 9th March as a warm up) and the thought of being able to cross that line in a good time is the thing that will help me say FUCK YOU to temptation.

So that's me, dry until May 25th at least. I feel sorry for my friends.